I have spent many hours pouring over my children and many hours pouring over parenting books, blogs, articles, and the like. Some I have found helpful and informative; others, however, will forever collect dust at the local secondhand bookseller. But, as I have personally field-tested many philosophies of parenting - like the French method, the non-anxious presence parent, and the puritanical domestic from the 1600s - I have found that there is no one fool-proof method of raising our children. Some advice is better than others, but no method can yield angels with an unblemished success rate. So, I have decided to take and to suggest you also take a mosaic view of parenting.
Children and their parents never fit into one archetype or another. We are as varied as snowflakes - with our developing sense of self and world, our unique personalities, and our very specific life-nurturing experiences. It should be no surprise that there will never be one-size fits all parenting methods that are no-fail. But, here are some things that I have learned:
1. Children must feel secure; and, in order to feel secure, they must have firm limits. Many times I have thrown my hands in the air and thought to myself (or have even said out loud), "David just does… There is nothing I can do to stop him." Well, does David play in the middle of the road? Of course not. He has learned to recognize and respect that limit. It is the limit that I have caved on time and time again that will continue to cause conflict in our household. Which leads me to my next growing-edge...
2. Self-confidence and self-awareness on the part of the parent are key. Our no's must be no's. Once a limit has been set in place. It must remain in place. So, place wisely. So often, we parents feeling like we are flying by the seat of our pants. We get caught up in the busyness of life, and we do not allow ourselves time to slow down, step out of a situation, and use discernment in setting rules, boundaries, and limits for our families. Cultivate a calm authority that your children will respect by thinking through your decisions, explaining calmly, and expecting respect. (This may also be known as the "They can smell fear" parenting maxim.)
3. When setting limits, allow real-world consequences to work in your favor. Set limits and keep your children safe. But, allow your children to learn from experience, within reason, why a limit is placed where it is. Give them a choice: You may eat this wonderful meal with your family, or you may wait until breakfast to see if you prefer that menu over this one. As the French say, "hunger is the best seasoning."
4. As children grow, allow them into the decision-making process when possible. Start small, as the child is small. A good way for a toddler to make a decision would be to offer him or her the choice between a red shirt or a blue shirt. You may ask an elementary school aged child whether he or she would like choose ballet or soccer for their extracurricular activity. A junior high student may decide to do their homework directly after school or after dinner. And, a high school student may be invited into most decisions when it comes to the variable in his or her life - weekend curfew at 10:00p.m. with him or her driving or negotiable if mom or dad drives. This does not mean giving a teenager carte blanche. They are invited to the choice between limits pre-set by the parent(s). Giving children gradually increasing responsibility in the decision-making process and guiding them through the discernment process guides them to a place where they are better able to make responsible decisions independently once they leave the house.
5. Follow through. Empty threats and crumbling limits do not convince your child to like you because you are nice. In fact, they lead your child to lose respect for you. When you set limits and explain consequences, you must follow through.
6. Model for your children a healthy parenting-adulthood balance. One day they, too, may be parents. But, it is inevitable that they will become adults. To be a healthy parent, you must be a healthy adult. You may be active and involved with your family life without constantly hovering and swooping in to save the day. I know this one is hard. It is hard for me because I love to be needed. However, if we are in perpetual service of our children a couple things are happening here that are not good: (1) we are not giving the proper amount of time and energy to our own sanity, and (2) our children are not learning how to become responsible for themselves. Now, I am in no way condoning the "Me time" craze. I feel that too often our culture demands one pole or the other - either you are a Black Hawk Helicopter parent or you are a selfish, disengaged non-parenting parent (most of us, I feel, are floundering somewhere in between).
For us, we may like to have a coffee date one morning. This is adult time where we read, chat, or simply just sit and sip on our lattes. Our children are welcome to be there with us, but they are not the center of our attention. They, too, may chat with us, read a book, play a puzzle, or simply hang out and sip on their drink of choice (this is a time when we allow treats… we are having an adult treat, so they get to enjoy chocolate milk or hot chocolate). In this time we're are modeling for them a slow-paced way to enjoy themselves and one another's company. You must know that this is not usually as pleasant as it sounds. We have had to work up to this point by starting with small yet increasing expectations - a 10 minute coffee date with clear expectations of manners becomes a 20 minute coffee date with age-appropriate quiet activities given as a choice for the passage of time and so on. This principle can be applied to most "adult" time. Clear expectations, good communication, and patience are key.
7. Teach children to be patient. We live in the society of instant gratification, and much of the stress and anxiety we face is because we are over-grown toddlers who have never learned the sage advice of Mick: "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need." This starts when they are infants. I know it is hard, but we do not need to pick up our babies the instant they begin to wail. Allow them the time to realize that they are safe and that they are capable of self-soothing.
I was great at this with our son, David. With Lily? Not so much, but I am getting back to my strong mama ways, not because I want me time, but because it is what is best for her to grow and develop. Don't believe me? Ask my doc. I'll give you her info and tell her to give you the same lecture she gave me when Lil wasn't sleeping through the night.
As children grow older, they begin to make demands as to what they want - grocery shopping is the worst when your child begins to recognize that cookies are wonderful and they want them now! With the sweets battle, we have been fortunate that our preschool reinforces the good eating habits we teach at home. Sweets are a sometimes food. They are not a reward, a bribe, or a given. So, if you are out picking up something from your local bakery for a party and the little ones are in tow, go ahead and buy that macaroon, but save it for a special snack time later in the day (Resist the urge to dangle this macaroon like a carrot for good behavior throughout the day. Follow through with your promise of an afternoon treat because it is just that - a treat.). Teaching children to exercise patience in this small, measured way instills in them lessons that can be applied in other areas of their life.
8. Give them space. Goodness me! Let children have down time. It is important for our children to be stimulated. Reading, completing puzzles, and nature hikes are all good things. You are the primary tour guide for your child as he or she discovers life. However, there is such a thing as over-stimulation. Our children need to learn to be happy by themselves. Give your child the space to play alone (obviously with the responsible amount of supervision). In this space, your child is able to reflect and use his or her brain freely. This helps children develop imagination, self-confidence, and contentedness.
9. Invite them into the real world (eating real food with proper table manners, taking responsibility for household chores, being accountable for their own actions and studies). Children learn life skills by our modeling and inviting them to participate alongside us in daily tasks. Children can make their own beds, set the table, clean the sink, and cook! It is more detrimental to your child's health to have a sparkling clean house with a parent who has done it all for them than to have a little mess here and there. This is easy. You do not have to plan anything extra to teach your child life skills. You just have to be intentional about the everyday tasks of being a human in modern society. Create a routine that involves your child. Brush your teeth together. Make your beds. Set the table and serve dinner. Teach your child how to peel garlic and invite him to place his little hand on top of yours as you dice onions together (be careful). Make meals about more than consuming food and invite them into conversation. Linger at the table. Give the responsibility of saying the blessing to your four year old. Children crave responsibility, so give it to them when you can. They want to please you.
10. Give them the opportunity to succeed, and let them fail. Creating an environment where failure is unacceptable is detrimental to your child's emotional and social well-being. We learn our most impactful lessons from our mistakes. Guide your child, model for them, give them limits, and let them go. Let the natural consequences of crossing the limits be the lesson. "If you choose not to study for an exam, most likely you will perform poorly." Give them the space to figure out solutions to their problems and let them know that you are available for advice on how to turn things around. In this case, a lecture on their future is not necessary, but grace is.
I am no expert on parenting. We have good days, and we have less than dazzling days. But, I can tell you from experience, on the days I slow down and choose patience and grace, our family flourishes. I never regret being patient, kind, good, gentle, loving, self-controlled, loving, joyful, or peace-filled. But, I do regret being quick-tempered, accusatory, and demanding. In God, we have a perfect, heavenly parent. With him as our model, we will not be led astray.
And a couple more things to remember: Have fun with your family. Make traditions, eat meals together, invite your children into your interests, and show interest in theirs.
